Life on the Death Star: General Staff Announcement
by thejedisentinel
Summary: What if Vader were your boss? What if he were The Management? Hilarity ensues.
1. Chapter 1

**GENERAL STAFF ANNOUNCEMENT**

The Management of the Death Star hereby notifies all officers and staff of the following -

1) Rumours of the recent 'management reshuffle' have been greatly exaggerated. The Emperor has not 'resigned' or been 're-delegated'. The perpetrators of this hideous rumour have been summarily tried and executed. Necessary force was, of course, employed in the extraction of _vital information_ leading towards the establishment of confessions, which were duly recorded. Further investigations and follow-up into leads thereby uncovered are in progress.

2) Officers and staff will however note that they are now answerable directly to the Facilities Management Unit, Personnel Management Unit, and Corporate Services Division. All Officers will _additionally_ come under the direct supervision of the Imperial Service Secretariat.

3) The above-mentioned units will be headed by Lord Vader. That would be me.

4) My voice is the voice of the Emperor.

5) We are firm believers in workplace cohesion and are fully committed to developing a culture of solidarity within the workplace. As such, **arguments are hereby banned**, with _immediate effect_.

6) As the galaxy's premier equal-opportunity (if you are Human, and male) employer, the management appreciates dialogue. Weekly Dialogue Sessions will be held at undisclosed locations throughout the Battlestation ("the Death Star"), on a case-by-case basis. You will of course be notified of the location of the Dialogue Session 24 hours before commencement. It is strongly recommended that _all grievances_ between Officers/ Staff be settled _prior_ to the start of each Dialogue Session.

7) **Disciplinary action will be taken** on individuals who disrupt the smooth running of the Dialogue Sessions with petty personal trifles.

8) Management will issue guidance on what qualifies as the latter on a case-by-case basis.

**Note also**: All disciplinary matters will henceforth be subject to the sole review and discretion of Lord Vader, unless veto-ed by the Emperor.

Lord Vader


	2. Chapter 2

**WHERE IS IT**

Why, with the power of the Force and the Death Star, is there no _toilet paper_ to be had in this facility?

This is basic common-sense. This place is kriffing run by sentients, and **all sentients** NEED TO USE THE TOILET. Presumably said sentients would also like to wipe after they are done.

Or perhaps the VAST MAJORITY of beings on this frackin' interstellar construction project simply do **not** practice basic personal hygiene? I don't know, I don't WANT to know - but come ON; we are fighting a frackin' _war_ here and that means constant vigilance on **all**, and I MEAN ALL levels - and does anyone _honestly_ think that the Rebel Scum will not make a frackin' _Ewok song-and-dance_ about 'Standards Issues' if **and I stress, 'IF'** the ABJECT LACK OF FUNDAMENTAL LOO ACCESSORIES were to somehow become a matter of public knowledge? I mean, for kriff's sake just frackin' _think_ about it, it's bloody obvious the kind of political mileage and leverage and badinage Some Persons are bound to attempt to squeeze out of so _trivial_ an issue as A LACK OF TOILET PAPER.

Just karking **ridiculous**. I'm not kicking up a fuss about this because as upper-level management, I have a LOT more _important_ things to worry about than the level of personal hygiene practiced by the average Trooper/ Officer, and this is a Battle Station, but SURELY something has to be done about the Loo Roll Crisis, because it's a total no-brainer.

I shouldn't even have to **bother** myself with details such as this. I have so many things to attend to.

Like the great big karking UNFENCED HOLE in Boss' private quarters.

...

There is also no toilet paper in Boss' quarters.

You sse? You **see**? I have better things to worry about! The Boss has better things to worry about!

**There must and will be toilet paper on this Battle Station**. Technical Support, please note. This is to be moved to the top of the agenda at our next Consultative Session.


	3. Chapter 3

In line with the latest Directive issued by the Imperial Propaganda Unit, posters of various members of the now-defunct Jedi High Council have been put up in various locales in this Battle Station. The more literate amongst you will note that the posters are _captionless_.

This is intentional.

It is your duty to provide the captions. An award will be given for the most creatively disrespectful caption: please submit your entries to the designated protocol droids on Levels 25 and 157. Staff who display a talent for particularly pithy sayings _may be considered _for future posting to the IPU.

All entries will of course be routed to the IPU through myself. Entries which I deem overly scurrilous will be rejected as detracting from the professionalism rightly expected from members of this august Battle Station, and their makers demoted.

Speaking of professional conduct: Ii has recently come to my attention that some personnel harbour vestigial sympathies for the now-defunct 'Jedi Order'.

I will not have this.

**This** is a kriffing _Battle Station_: our purpose is to maim, kill, destroy, exterminate and/ or obliterate _all our enemies_, be that by incineration, evisceration, decapitation or explosion. We do _not_ 'do' sympathy on the Death Star.

Look at the fracking NAME of this Battle Station, for kriff's sake. The **Death** Star. DEATH.

Personnel who do not grasp the full _splendour_ of the glorious Purpose of this Battle Station are well advised to add to their vocabulary before a personal introduction to the concept is initiated.

HR has been notified to draft a Station-wide Personnel Education Program, to be implemented _without delay_. Under the Program, **all** Imperial Officers are _expected_ to clock NO LESS than 100 hours of _Continuing Professional Education_ per Standard Year. Troopers will be expected to attend at least 50 hours of the same.

**No excuses will be accepted**.

Additionally, Corporate Communications will be educating _all personnel_ on the dangers of sympathising with Rebels or the Jedi Order, or any of their affiliates. Educational posters such as the one appended below will be put up from time to time.

You are _encouraged_ to respond in an appropriately sinister fashion.

Lord Vader


	4. Chapter 4

**To: Personnel Development Board**

In line with Management's Personnel Improvement Programme, I am pleased to bring you the latest instalment in our educational _Why The Jedi Must Die_ series. Materials will soon be disseminated to you, and will include posters, flyers and booklets published by the Imperial Propaganda Unit. You will see to it that **all** personnel on board this Battle Station are familiarised with the contents of these educational materials.

I will conduct a pop quiz myself on the contents of the same. Failure will not be countenanced.

Additionally, I will be conducting random patrols this week.

You do not know where I will appear, when, or what I will be on the lookout for.

Consider this **fair warning**.

**Attn: Staff Discipline and Steering Committee**

The _chaos_ on this Battle Station has exceeded all reasonable parameters. I do not give a shit if you are having 'the runs': when I conduct an inspection parade, I expect armour to be _pristine_, and all personnel to control their bladder functions.

As representatives of the Empire, it is your **duty** to divorce your personal feelings from the call of duty. Gastric 'pain' falls under the rubric of 'personal feelings': do not attempt to argue with me on this. I know pain _far better_ than anyone on this karking clown-ship, and will gladly acquaint you with the feeling if I am given cause to believe that you require a demonstration.

I have issued a new Standard Directive to all Units, Departments, and Sections. This will henceforth be displayed in ALL barracks, common areas, recreational areas, and in the canteen. All staff are to be reminded that no expense has been spared in the Empire's drive to fully educate its employees. The use of torture droids and sharp appliances has been approved for use in re-educational therapy where cleared by a Division Five officer.

The costs incurred in the production of these Educational Materials will, of course, come out of your salaries, and will continue to do so until you convince me that there has been some kriffing improvement in the situation.

After all, we are a **Government** and not a fracking _charity_.

Besides, if you don't pay your bloody school fees, you'll never be motivated to learn anything. I KNOW PSYCHOLOGY.

**GENERAL STAFF CIRCULAR 1-20-D54**

****I have carefully considered the matter pertaining to the recent spate of loo-runs amongst the staff of this Battle Station.

As I have said before, the matter was THOROUGHLY INVESTIGATED and its cause precisely identified.

Seeing as how Rex's Penne al'Arrabiata has proven so EFFICIENT at exposing those amongst this fine establishment's staff who do NOT have the stomach necessary to discharge their function as Imperials, orders have been given forthwith that ALL FOOD WILL NOW BE SERVED HOT AND SPICY.

Miniature bottles of Rakririan Burnout Sauce have been ordered. ALL STAFF WILL BE ISSUED A PERSONAL BOTTLE.

You will be expected to add the sauce from this bottle to your food when orders to do so are given.

Failure to do so will result in a personal interview with me.

**LORD Vader**


	5. Chapter 5

**Attn: Head of Maintenance**

**Re: Explosion**

I HAVE NO WORDS.

No.

Let me correct myself. I HAVE NO GOOD WORDS TO SAY ABOUT THE CURRENT SITUATION ON THE DEATH STAR.

1) Today I returned from a short walk around the 26th level of this Battle Station. I found _faeces_ in ten vents. This included a particularly LARGE vent which leads *directly* FROM the kitchens. Can you imagine the smell of cooking and oil, laced with the stench of human excrement? No? If your imagination fails you, I will GLADLY introduce you to the concept.

2) WHAT is with this Battle Station and rubbish! Re the pots of strange flora which appeared inexplicably in my meditation capsule previously. These were tossed out with the garbage. Herein I wish to record my DISSATISFACTION with the intelligence of Maintenance in general. We incinerate our garbage, yes. HOWEVER. There is garbage, and then THERE IS GARBAGE.

Do you incinerate depleted plutonium cores? NO.

Why?

Because to do so would cause a kriffing MASSIVE explosion, that's why.

Surely it ought to be OBVIOUS to all by now that NOT EVERYTHING IS MEANT TO BE INCINERATED.

Especially not strange plants with funny-looking leaves.

However, not all on this Station are as gifted as I am, and therefore it was no surprise to me to learn that the bloody plants had been incinerated too, pots and all.

I was, however, APPALLED to learn that SOMEONE SOMEWHERE allowed the resultant fumes to ESCAPE into the barracks and the Officers' Lounge.

I have recently been compelled to order the Grand Admiral to cease and desist from singing ALL forms of opera, with immediate effect. Whatever he may imagine, he does NOT have the range or the skill necessary.

3) I STILL do not understand how excrement came to be found in vents leading _from the kitchen_. Clearly, Maintenance are not doing their job, and if Maintenance are not doing their job I see no reason why Maintenance should continue in its present composition. **If there is no appreciable improvement in the situation in the next forty-eight hours, I will personally see to it that all members of Maintenance are de-composed.**

In the interest of preserving my sanity, I have therefore decided to temporarily relocate to Hoth until this bloody mess is sorted out.

YOU HAVE FORTY-EIGHT HOURS.


	6. Chapter 6

**OH SNAP**

What in the fourteen Corellian hells -

There are too many things. TOO MANY THINGS.

1) Toilet paper. By any estimate, this ought to have been a fairly simple exercise. Order toilet paper, arrange for it to be transported to present co-ordinates, receive shipment, DELIVER.

Toilet paper should be white, soft, and fluffy.

I did not get white, soft, and fluffy toilet paper. This I have made the subject of my latest Note to Technical Support, which the morons there would do well to take heed of.

2) THE KRIFFING FOOD SITUATION.

Thus far, I have come across no less than 17 troopers who NEGLECTED to greet me appropriately when crossing my path in the corridors. Naturally I investigated. My _unstinting_ interrogative methods revealed what I have long suspected: this place is staffed by WIMPS whose delicate systems cannot handle the fire of Penne al'Arrabiata.

For fierfek's sake, you morons. Only EAT what you CAN SWALLOW. And only SWALLOW what you can bloody well KEEP DOWN.

The next staff or Officer who ducks and goes running off to the toilet instead of greeting me appropriately will have it coming. This is a kriffing Battle Station, and I will NOT have pansies on board who cannot handle hot spice. How the hell are you going to handle Rebel scum if you cannot tackle spicy food?

3) THE SHOWER SYSTEM

Is not working.

I was BOMBARDED by kriffing ICE CUBES when I tried to take a bath earlier.

...I may or may not have gotten a little carried away but THE BROKEN PIPING is NOT MY FAULT, in fact it is ENTIRELY the fault of Technical Support, or Human Resources, I have not yet decided; because for some bloody reason the staff in charge of plumbing or the boiler room, or the heating (WHY do we need to have a separate heating department? The laws of thermodynamics dictate that this Battle Station produces far more heat than reasonable), well - THAT STAFF has Mysteriously been REASSIGNED to, of all places, Hoth, for what reason I am unable to fathom, and given HR's insistence that it was ENDOR which said bugger was in fact assigned to, I am forced to the Conclusion that Someone Has Been Tampering With Records, or Someone Was Sleeping On The Job; in either case, Someone Is Going To Get Hurt - but the point is- AND THERE IS A POINT - this tomfoolery has GOT TO STOP, what the kriff did you nerfwits DO in the Imperial Academy!


	7. Chapter 7

**YOUR FAMILY, THE EMPIRE WAY**

WHO in the NINE CORELLIAN HELLS approved this Holovid for general dissemination?

Yes, the Empire takes family very seriously. Yes, family is the building block of society.

But, I wish to know - _has it not been made **abundantly clear**_ that this 'Light Side of the Force' business is _done and dusted with_? Kaput? GONE FOREVER?

Do you morons in Continuing Professional Education **honestly** believe that the blasted Jedi were _right_ after all, about the 'evil' of the Sith? Do you idiots even KNOW anything about 'evil', other than how to fracking spell the word? Let me make it very simple for you, so that your limited minds may fully grasp the concept. ORDER SIXTY-SIX WAS ISSUED FOR A REASON. That reason is testified to **daily** by the crumbling remains of the old Jedi Temple on Coruscant, and by the corpses of a thousand disembowelled Jedi across the galaxy. It is testified to by the purity of the _silence_ that now issues from the old Senate building on Coruscant: where, merely two decades ago, only the incessant chatter of fattened politicians and other galactic scum could be heard.

Now, only the Emperor speaks, and all who have ears OUGHT to hear him.

I find your lack of faith in the Empire disturbing.

This video is to be recalled with** immediate** effect. Staff who have been exposed to the video are to be rounded up and sent to Yinchorr for a comprehensive re-education, to be conducted by the trainees of the Red Guard Academy. Survivors will be considered for re-posting to this Battle Station or a stint in the Outer Rim.

Lastly, if any of you morons take it to your heads to ask me about my 'children', I will show you the working end of my lightsaber.

**STAFF SUGGESTION SCHEME**

Owing to the rise in incidences of a most alarming nature on this Battle Station, Management has decided to implement a Staff Suggestion Scheme with immediate effect.

Staff are encouraged to make suggestions going towards the improvement of processes (Streamlining and Budgeting for Results) on the Death Star, and to the promotion of Staff Welfare in general. A committee comprising the Admiral, HR, and a representative elected from the rank-and-file will be set up to consider all Staff Suggestions.

As we are an organization that is constantly seeking to challenge and reward deserving employees. a small cash prize will be awarded on a monthly basis to the staff whose idea is voted as the best by the Committee.

In order to optimise placement and use of our resources, staff are reminded that should their suggestion be taken on board and implemented, they will be held _personally liable_ for any and all mishaps thereafter for which a chain of causation may be established with the said suggestion; regardless of whether the mishap is foreseeable or not.

This will teach you all the meaning of 'corporate responsibility'.


	8. Chapter 8

**[To an assembly of Admirals and other Senior Officers]**

There are several things I do not understand, gentlemen.

First: Battle exercises.

Yes, we are pursuing the Rebels. Yes, we will and shall pursue them to the farthest reaches of the galaxy, and we will not rest until the threat of these terrorist, renegade Jedi sympathisers has been eradicated once and for all. It is with that noble aim in mind that the Empire expends vast sums of credits on recruitment, arms and training. You have had the best that the Empire has to offer. You have all been through the Imperial Officers' Academy: all of you were groomed to lead.

To lead.

Do any of you morons have the faintest inkling of what it means to 'lead'? Hmm? I have been studying the reports put up by your Sector Leaders over the past quarter. Most unsatisfactory. Have any of you even attended any of the live firing exercises, field camps, station runs or orbital drop drills that have been conducted over the past year? Don't even bother trying to explain your notable absences to me. I have personally investigated and discovered that the holding of these exercises coincides neatly with significant depletions of choice beverages in the Senior Officers' Lounge, and corresponding increases in the number of sick bay admissions for... overindulgence. My conclusions remain my own, but I am certain that you will be able to put two and two together and arrive at four quite independently.

This state of affairs is nothing short of abominable. Therefore, one of you will die as punishment for this infraction, in lieu of a full court-martial. Of course, I understand your perplexity: not all of you are guilty. Unfortunately, life is unfair. From a certain point of view, my execution of one of your number could be said to be evening up the odds.

Next: Ah, this has vexed me rather as of late.

The Wookiee slaves must be properly restrained! Have you morons no conception of how dangerous a maurauding Wookiee can be? Already there has been an incident of an improperly-restrained Wookiee having overpowered his supervisors and freeing two other slaves: these savages then rampaged through the work area, causing significant damage to the newly-erected structures and ripping up both cabling and scaffolding to use as improvised weapons.

If your men are incapable of dealing a swift and decisive blow to minor insurrections of half-civilised savages, then you as instructors and supervisors have signally failed in your duties to the Empire. I should not have to involve myself personally in such petty affairs! The Emperor was most displeased, gentlemen.

Accordingly, I have decided that one of you will be stripped of your rank and placed in a cage, lightly armed, together with an unarmed Wookiee slave. Should you survive the encounter, you will be reinstated. If, however, you do not, your family will be informed that you died in honourable combat. After all, hand-to-hand combat is highly esteemed amongst the barbarian tribes of Kashyyyk.

Third - most interesting.

You may be surprised to learn that I myself have been conducting random... inspections of officers' quarters. Most... enlightening, the things one may find in officers' quarters. Bonga-weed, for example. Perhaps some of you cherish a secret love of botany and exotic foliage? Perhaps some of you are in fact the ones responsible for the recent... poisonings of this Station's air supply? Rest assured, gentlemen: I do not forget, and neither does the Emperor. And the Emperor is not as forgiving as I. Those of your number who have been discovered to be green-fingered will presently be required to render your assistance in testing the Empire's latest modified medical droids: I am sure you will find the experience a life-changing one.

Fourth - Twi'leks.

Reliable information has been received that certain of you have been... consorting with female Twi'lek entertainers of the... negotiable persuasion during leave, on Coruscant and elsewhere.

I should like to speak to those responsible personally: you will present yourselves before my meditation capsule at any time in the next twenty-four hours. Consider it an act of... delicacy on my part that I am not, at present, revealing your identities to your comrades.

With that, I conclude this meeting, gentlemen. Mind the bodies on your way out.


End file.
